


Amends

by TheLillie



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-26
Updated: 2016-08-26
Packaged: 2018-08-11 02:41:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7872850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLillie/pseuds/TheLillie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two little words. Three little syllables. Then she can be rid of this ugly broiling biting sick in the pit of her stomach.</p><p>And of course she knows that her next decision is a bad one. It's reckless and selfish and dangerous for everyone. But what else has she ever been?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Amends

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place sometime after "The Kindergarten Kid" and before "Mindful Education"

Her feet make little to no noise on the floor; she pretends not to feel the heat on her bare soles. It's hot, but not unbearable. Her blue skin is tinged purple-green-gray by the orange light.

She arches her neck back, letting the ribbons of her collar brush against her gem. Crystal veins snake up the walls, following the floating collection of gemstones all the way up to the ceiling. There must be hundreds. How long have they been accumulating?

How many of them did she used to know? How likely, until recently, had it been that she would soon join them?

The one she's looking for is close to the door, easy to find. It's recent enough to be within reach, too--she doesn't have to spread her wings, or even jump, really. She simply stretches up onto her toes and pulls the bubble down with both hands.

For a few seconds she stares at it, motionless. Inhales through her nose, exhales through her mouth.

“I'm sorry,” she rehearses, voice just under a whisper. There’s no emotion in her tone; it's simply a recitation, a formality. “I'm sorry.” She screws her eyes shut. “I'm sorry.”

Her fingers tighten a little around the bubble, knuckles bending and fingertips trembling, but she's careful not to pop it.

Two little words. Three little syllables. Then she can be rid of this ugly broiling biting sick in the pit of her stomach.

She opens her eyes, looks straight at Jasper's gem, and grimaces while she shouts, “I’m sorry!”

Her eyelids ram right back together, her entire body unintentionally bracing for an attack.

But nothing happens.

Of course nothing happens. Because yelling an apology at an unconscious bubble means absolutely nothing. So the sick in her stomach doesn't go away, either.

And of course she knows that her next decision is a bad one. It's reckless and selfish and dangerous for everyone.

But what else has she ever been?

She grits her teeth and curls her fingers to dig into the surface of the bubble.

It pops so suddenly, with such an unexpected little noise, that she jumps back in surprise. Jasper falls to the floor and bounces a little, _click-clink._

This was a bad idea. This was a bad idea. This was a bad idea.

No. This is necessary. She needs this. She just needs to apologize and get this feeling gone and then fly up to Steven as fast as she can and get Jasper back in her bubble before anything bad--

The gem on the floor starts glowing. Lapis clenches her fists and makes sure her stance is firm.

Jasper's hulking figure is first, crouching and white and featureless but oh so familiar. On her hands and knees she's nearly level with Lapis’s chest. Her hair sprouts next, falling over her face and pooling like liquid on the ground.

“Jasper,” she says, as if she's addressing a wild animal, as the form starts to take definition, “it's me. I just wanna say--”

Jasper’s hand launches out and grabs her wrist.

Lapis yelps. “No, don’t!” She tries to pull away. “Lemme go! I just wanna talk!”

Jasper grabs her other wrist, fully reformed, and yanks her toward herself. Her hair still covers her face, hiding her expression.

“Nonono--” Lapis spreads her wings and pushes against the air, panicking. Oh, stars, she wants to fuse again--they can’t, they can’t, not now, not here, not with Steven so close and vulnerable sleeping in the house--

Jasper slams her to the ground and she lands with a yelp, her wings splashing into nothingness and her gem scraping against the stone. Lapis tries to squirm away with her legs, but Jasper has her trapped there too, pinning down her skirt and locking her slender hips between powerful knees.

“Jasper, p-please--”

She lifts her head a little and jerks it to the side, flipping her hair off her face. The white cascade falls around Lapis like a weeping willow, closing her off from everything but Jasper’s tense wide-eyed hungry desperate face.

“You,” Jasper exhales.

Trapped, overpowered, helpless. Lapis whimpers.

Jasper descends, and Lapis squeezes her eyes shut.

But then she stops.

And Jasper isn't growling or shouting or attacking or fusing. She's just...staying there. Holding her. Breathing into her neck, warm and heavy.

Lapis’s eyes relax, but don't open. Her fingers unfurl and her spine lowers from its arch.

Oh, stars.

It’s not just her breath. Everything about Jasper is heavy and warm, hot and vivid and huge and _there,_ a presence and a pressure impossible to ignore. She’s holding her and touching her and keeping her grounded, real, alive, keeping her from floating away into the nonexistence she feels every time she closes her eyes and is back in the mirror. Jasper holds her to the floor and holds her in the moment.

Lapis turns her head closer to Jasper’s, cheek to cheek, and surrenders.

This is what she's been missing.

Steven was so horrified when she confessed it. He could never understand what she could possibly want about this--and in a way, neither could she. What could be desirable about being trapped under such a weight, such a burden for such a long time? Constantly fighting and struggling for control in the darkness and confusion?

Because that was better than nothing. Because she _did_ have control, because she _was_ fighting, because she wasn’t formless and motionless and left alone for a thousand years with nothing to see and nothing to do and nothing to feel.

And because it was Jasper. It was big, angry, passionate, dominating, palpable, fiery Jasper, and it was so easy to be and to feel around her. She was so easy to hate and fight and trap and love.

Jasper moves in closer, lips to jaw, and Lapis arches her back again, but this time to press her body to her. Though they remain two separate forms, somehow they are closer now than they were as Malachite. Time disappears in the same strange way as before, jumping from split second to split second at the speed of light. Slowly Jasper opens and closes her mouth against Lapis’s skin, fierce but gentle. Her hands move down to her elbows, to her shoulders, freeing Lapis to wrap her arms around Jasper’s.  And they move closer and closer, both nearly flat on the ground with only the bend of Jasper’s knees keeping them up, closer and closer, lips inching toward each other with every breath, closer and closer, and their mouths are together now and they’re clutching at each other and it would be so easy to just dissolve and return to the way they were.

But.

This is different than the way they were before. They’re together, but she’s still herself. She’s real and individual and warm and close, and the floor beneath her is hot and hard and not cold wet sand, and she can feel Jasper’s arms around her and she’s so much more alive and this is so much better. This is so much better than Malachite. This is so much better than the mirror.

Jasper’s arms are around her body, and hers are buried in her hair, white locks and blue fingers tangling together at the back of her thick neck.

This is so, so much better...

It would be so easy...

A white glow taps at her closed eyelids, and Lapis cracks them open to find that her hand and Jasper’s neck are one shape.

She yanks away.

Her wings extend and propel her up, pulling her into the air several feet away from Jasper--further into the room, away from the door. Escapes from her, but she blocks her escape. Jasper stumbles and her crouch becomes a sprawl; she quickly pushes herself back up and glares.

“Is this all we are?” Lapis demands. “Is this all I am to you? _Fusion?_ ”

Jasper bares her teeth. “Don’t pretend you don’t want it too!”

“I _don’t_ want this.” She flaps her wings once, hovering a foot higher. Her arms close around her chest, to protect herself, to close herself off. “I _never_ wanted this.”

“Come on,” Jasper taunts, one hand disappearing into her hair behind her back and the other curling into a fist. “Why else would you come to me?”

Lapis sucks in a breath and steels her expression. “I came to apologize.”

She floats to the floor, separated from Jasper by the well in the center of the room. Jasper is standing now, and she pulls her shoulders back a little in confusion. “For what?”

“For making you this way. If I’d just--” Lapis crosses her arms tighter around herself, wrists folding over shoulders, fingertips almost reaching her gem. “If I’d just held you down some other way--we wouldn’t have to be like this--”

“We could’ve never become strong without this!”

“I don’t care about being strong!” Her voice cracks a little on the tail of the sentence, and her hands close on her shoulders. “I just--I just wanna be okay.”

Jasper scoffs. Her arm goes further behind her back, into her hair. “And what? You think apologizing will make you okay?”

Lapis grits her teeth. Her arms slide down, clutching at her churning stomach.

“I'm--” She bites her tongue. Then she squares her shoulders and looks Jasper in the eye. “I'm sorry. For everything I've done to you.”

There, she said it, it's done, it's fine, she's fine now.

“That doesn't change anything,” Jasper says.

She's not fine.

“I’m sorry!” she tries again. “I did terrible things to you for a long time, and I shouldn't have!”

“You _shouldn't_ have let me go. You shouldn't have left me!” Jasper steps forward, up onto the edge of the well. “If you were _really_ sorry, you'd take me back.”

“No.” Lapis shakes her head. “No, that wasn't good for either of us.”

“It was better than both of us!” Jasper insists as she has over and over. “We could fly!”

_“I can fly on my own!”_

Her wings flare out. Half from reflex, half from spite.

“I don’t need you,” she finishes.

“You do need me!” She practically spits the words, her other arm behind her back now too. “You came to me for a reason. You stayed with me in the first place for a reason!”

She knew this was a bad idea, she knew this was a bad idea, she has no answer that she can tell Jasper other than “I already told you I wanted to--”

“To apologize. And then what?” She stretches one leg over the well, leg long enough that it’s barely more than a normal step, and Lapis is too scared by her approach to wonder why she’s hiding her arms. “You wanted my forgiveness. You wanted my approval. You wanted me back!”

On the last word she jumps to the ground and lands with a _boom_ , sending Lapis skittering backwards further toward the wall. Her hair falls over her shoulders and around her face, making her look even more frightening and wild.

“You want me. You know you do. _Don’t lie!”_

“Not like this!” Lapis squeaks.

"Don't try to tell me you don't need me!" Jasper growls. She's coming closer and closer, encroaching on Lapis, wild hair hiding more and more of her form. "Don't tell me I'm nothing to you! Don't tell me I'm just a failure to you!"

"Leave me alone!" There's no water in here and Jasper is towering over her and Lapis is stuck against the wall--

_"Don't lie to me!"_

\--and she's trapped and she's scared and she's powerless, and she crosses her arms up over her face in a vain attempt to protect herself--

Jasper grabs her wrists and her hands are not hands.

"Aah!" Lapis pushes herself harder against the wall and struggles to wrench away from the claws holding onto her. Jasper's changing, somehow. Her body is warped and misshapen, her arms and legs those of an animal, her skin bubbling and burning spots of sickly blue. Lapis coughs and something feels like vomit in her throat.

"What happened to you?" she gasps.

 _"You!"_ Jasper's already brutish voice rasps, deepens, her face contorts. _"You!"_

"I'm sorry!" she repeats, desperate. "I don't know--"

_"You did this to me!"_

"I'm sorry! Let me go! I'm sorry!"                 

_"Don't lie to me!"_

This was a bad idea, this was a bad idea, this isn’t what she wants, this isn’t what she wants--

Jasper’s speech shakes, drops to something feral, and then she's snarling and growling and squeezing and trapping and her face is teeth and spines and horns and Lapis screws her eyes shut and braces for the attack--

Jasper stops.

It’s silent.

Barely daring to believe she’s alive, Lapis squeaks one eye open and sees the tip of a pink blade protruding from the center of Jasper’s chest.

She disappears in a loud puff of shimmering pale dust. Drops of powdered glitter land, hardly noticeable, along Lapis’s shoulders, neck, lips. Her gem lands on the floor, lands once and stays there, the sound of it swallowed up in the sound of heavy breaths--some of the breath is hers, some of it isn’t. It’s several seconds of quiet, Lapis frozen, shocked, refusing to relax, before the dust clears.

“Steven,” Lapis exhales.

Because there he is, little and still, two hands on the hilt of a sword nearly as large as he is. He doesn’t look up at her, focused instead on Jasper on the floor. His cheeks are wet and he’s sniffling.

He kneels down and sets down his sword. A pink bubble forms around Jasper’s gem; he sniffs and shoves a tear away with the heel of his hand as it floats back up to where it had been left.

“Are you okay, Lapis?” he asks quietly.

And her stomach jolts.

Because he’s crying over her. Because she’s scared him, she’s hurt him, just like she’s done so many times before, and all he cares is that she’s okay, and she’s been apologizing to the wrong person.

“I’m so sorry, Steven!” she blurts.

Steven blinks, surprised, and she plows on.

“I’m sorry I stole the ocean and hurt your dad and your friends, and I’m sorry I kept leaving you alone and refusing your help, and I’m sorry for all the times I’ve scared you--” She’s talking too fast, and the breath she draws is nearly a hiccup. “Especially as Malachite because I know we were scary, and I’m sorry for everything we did to your watermelons, and I’m sorry I was so mean to Peridot when we first got here, and I’m sorry I broke your dad’s boat and the fishing rod and scared you again there--”

She sinks to her knees. Immediately Steven is hurrying toward her, but she hides her face in her hands and doesn’t look at him.

“And I’m sorry for this,” she says. “I’m sorry I put you all in danger again. That was stupid. I’m sorry you had to save me. I’m--”

Now her voice is officially broken. It’s high and whispery and just about to sob.

“I’m so sorry for everything, Steven,” Lapis whimpers.

She sits in silence after that. Any more words and she’ll definitely be crying.

Steven’s knee touches hers.

And then he wraps his arms around her.

Lapis snaps her eyes open, stunned. Steven’s curly hair is soft and ticklish on her face, his arms soft and warm on her back.

“I forgive you,” he says.

And apparently that was all she needed to hear.

Slowly, slowly, the feeling in her stomach begins to evaporate.

Relieved, Lapis lets her form loosen and earnestly returns Steven’s embrace. She holds him tight and he’s cushy and safe and holding her tight too and he’s so good and kind and she loves him so much and he forgives her.

After several moments, the sick in her stomach is gone. Lapis opens her eyes and decides it’s time to speak.

“What...happened to her?” she asks quietly, timidly.

Steven doesn’t move, doesn’t let go.

“She got corrupted at the Kindergarten,” he says. “I guess it took a while to set back in after she reformed.”

Lapis clicks her tongue and shakes her head against Steven’s shoulder. “I’m terrible. I’m sorry.”

“No. You needed this.” He shifts a little, rests his chin on her shoulder. “You’re okay now. Right?”

Lapis smiles.

“Yeah.”

Not all of her, not all the way, not yet. But someday, with Steven’s help, she might be.

“How much…” Her sentence is broken as she struggles to say it out loud. “Of. That. Did you see?”

Steven inhales, exhales, and doesn’t answer.

Instead, he disentangles himself from her, stands up--he’s so small that the movement doesn't mean much--and holds his hand out to help her up. She can practically see the stars bouncing from his smile.

“Come on,” he coaxes. “Peridot misses you.”

And the phrase catches her so off-guard that she snorts.

“I put on the finale of season four before I left, she doesn't even know I'm gone,” Lapis says.

“You what?” Steven gasps, grinning. “You can't let her watch that episode alone! She cries every time!”

She laughs out loud as Steven pulls her to her feet. With one hand he holds hers and with the other he picks up his sword; together they start up the stairs to the door.

Halfway up, Lapis pauses and looks back over her shoulder, hesitant, wistful.

“Will she be okay?”

Steven looks back as well.

“We'll see,” he says. “We’ll try.”

There's a reluctance in his tone, because Lapis knows he doesn't like Jasper. But he loves her, and he's such a gentle soul that he would try for her. He's such a gentle soul that he truly believes that people can change.

At the top of the stairs the door opens and there's one of the Crystal Gems, the big one, the fusion. The _happy_ fusion. Garnet. Of course, it's her room, she must've opened the door for Steven to come in. And she's softly smiling at Lapis, even when Lapis glares and defensively shies away, because still she doesn't quite trust the Crystal Gems. But Steven squeezes her hand again and sweetly beams, and then Garnet puts her hand on Lapis’s head and Lapis blinks up at her.

“You are going to be fine,” she says. “Better than fine.”

And as Steven pulls her onto the warp pad to go home--yes, the barn is home now, yes, Peridot is home--Lapis Lazuli is content. To have that reassurance from someone who can see the future is nice, of course, but she isn't sure she needs it anymore.

***

_“But why, Pierre? Why do you have to leave the camp?”_

_“Don’t cry, Percy, you have to be strong. Be strong for me!”_

Peridot’s voice is squeakier than usual as she recites along with the television. Her noisy sniffs cover the sound of Lapis’s wings as she lands beside her in the truck.

Lapis folds her legs and rubs Peridot’s shoulder a little with her own. Peridot lets out a tiny sob and leans into her, too absorbed in the show to be surprised at her roommate’s arrival.

“Take care of the cabin, won’t you?” Peridot and Pierre said in unison.

Lapis quoted Percy’s next line. “I’ll do everything I can.”

The characters on the screen lunge at each other and become a teary tangle of arms and legs. Peridot whimpers and throws her arms around Lapis, burying her face in her chest; Lapis rolls her eyes and pretends to not be blushing.

“He comes back in season six,” she murmurs.

“They don’t know that now!” Peridot wails. “They’ll miss each other so muuuuch!”

“Psh.” Lapis smiles and puts a casual arm around Peridot. After a few more snuffles, Peridot turns her head and returns her attention to the television.

Lapis looks down at her. Small and soft and warm and ridiculous and adorable and distracted and...there. Real. Alive.

She closes her eyes and rests her head on Peridot’s.

 _This is better._  


  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> so um...i wrote the first half of this because my dog died and i was stress-writing? and then a little afterwards i looked back on it and was like...there might be something here  
> Paaartially inspired by the amazing works of Rebbe (http://archiveofourown.org/users/Rebbe), particularly "Armistice" and "You Were Right About The Rain", but mostly just because rebbe inspires me in general and i highly recommend all their work because they're all great reads


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